R.E.S.P.E.C.T

Has it been over two years since I last blogged? This child has certainly taken a lot more of me than I imagined. 

Every time I look at him, I can't help but let him know how much I love him. I can't imagine a world without him and in the first 3 months, he was all I could care about. Although I think there may have been some post-natal hormones that influenced my tunnel vision. 

It was tough. I didn't feel like I had the opportunity or frame of mind to connect with Xav until day 3. Within hours of holding him, I was told by the midwife what I should not be doing. I was surrounded by the love and warmth of my family but all I wanted was space. Gene and I were up at mad hours trying to put this baby to sleep but after a few minutes of calm, he'd be rudely awoken by the air around him [poor guy had breathing problems from day dot] and cry at the top of his lungs. 

I cried all night feeling like a bad mum when he had jaundice. I was broken and disappointed with myself. The feelings of helplessness continued and I pushed even harder to do what I thought I needed to. To know how to soothe my baby.

In truth, I am still learning. It has gotten easier. Now I know that sometimes he just needs a good cry. Like how we all need a good cry when something just does not feel right and we cannot express what it is. 

I remember someone saying that it is not the child that is getting better. It is us [parentals] being more knowledgeable and coping better. Oh boy, the word “coping” is an understatement for some days/weeks.

I am back. And I have been journalling to help me with sleep. Otherwise thoughts come rushing in - in the middle of the night. My amygdala is pretty persistent in making sure that I undo all the thought knots. It can go on for hours. And I’m relieved that words spilled onto a physical page help wind down the 3am mind unpacking. Most times. 

I have been a part of a transformational organisational journey. One that I am most proud of. And one that also pains me the most. I am hopeful as I believe that there are good people out there. And people who are ready to make that step change. Gratitude fills my heart and right now, I am loving the time off and away with my family. 

[Edit] This kid is still my numero uno. Sorry bee.