Twenty twenty two

 Ahh...

This is my time being kid-free and having time on my own. I'm feeling relaxed about it because I know that they're in good hands with Gene. 

It has been an amazing year. Amazing being a serious understatement. I was starting to feel burnt out towards the end of last year and made the best decision for me, and for my family. Taking time off has been the best. And being able to afford to take time off is just such a blessing. 

Four and a half months travelling. Living out of a suitcase. And then coming home, attempting to find a job whilst I was pregnant was ambitious. I am glad I tried. But it worked out for the better having the extra time off. I don't think I'll ever have this again so I'm glad I was able to slow down and enjoy. 

Highlights... 

Seeing my family for the first time in two years. Having home cooked food. Sitting around the dining table with mum and dad. And my siblings. Angele. Enjoying time by the pool in Langkawi. And in Phuket. Oh, that was pure bliss. 

Falling pregnant. Feeling the first baby kicks. I was so stretched. So achy. So happy. 

Seeing bubs for the first time. Holding him in my arms. Crying with joy. Feeling overwhelmed. Hormonest kicking in. Cuddling the little man. Seeing Xav being so excited about his little brother.

Hearing someone call him by his name and loving it. Elijah. Oh, what a blessing. 

Learning to be a mum. And a wife to a man who was learning to adjust to his new life. As I was adjusting to mine. 

I love my man. I love that he cares. And that he cooked confinement food for me so that I could be back to myself again. Having four weeks to adjust. 

The grief was hard. We lost of a lot of good people this year. It made me hold the boys more tightly. Praying that we will have decades upon decades together. 

Having my village. So that I can get time out. And enjoy the moments. Relishing in the good and the bad. 

The morning water rituals. Water is such a big part of our lives. It nourishes us. Keeps us sane. Balanced. 

I am looking forward to 2023. To a change in my career path. To meeting new people. To sharing more moments together with my family. And my friends. 

Life couldn't be richer. I am just thankful. 

Here's to winning.

Mum Guilt

I’ve been experiencing serious breastfeeding guilt. When Elijah was born, I thought I’d give breastfeeding a go. And it went really well this time with the milk coming in sooner that it did with Xav. 

But my mental health started dwindling as I was barely getting any sleep with the cluster feeds which were necessary to get the milk in. So well done Elijah! But he was also a hungry baby because the milk was not established yet. We’re talking days after birth so it’s only normal. 

Then jaundice became an issue and it was vital that he had the right amount of milk intake. Cue introduction of formula and the end of my breastfeeding journey as E realised the convenience of the bottle versus the breast. 

I was on the verge of stopping breastfeeding as I was simply not myself but I wasn’t prepared for it to end so soon. So I started to express. This went well but the engorgement and having to wake up through the night to express was tough. 

Especially when I wanted to be there for both kids which is tough when I’m tired. And cranky. Not to mention hormonal. And still recovering from the birth. 

The engorgement stopped two days ago but I can’t help grieving. And now I’m feeling the guilt. Maybe I should have tried harder. Other mums can do it even with their 3 year olds, I should too. 

I need to remind myself that fed is best. My newborn is growing well. He is developing well too in his second week. Hubby feels a sense of purpose as he can help. I get to spend time with my 3 year old and don’t feel stuck trying to breastfeed baby. 

I can exercise self care and enjoy my food a bit more. And be happy. 

Logically, lots of positives. Emotionally, I am still on the fence about my decision. Or indecision as it feels like right now. 

I will get through this. Somehow.

Elijah

 Hi bubba cakes / red panda / mini tiger,

As I lay here next to you, watching you finally get some real good rest… I feel all sorts of feelings. 

My heart burst when I first saw you. And held you. And kissed you on your head.

I noticed you looked a heck of a lot like your brother. Calling you by his name by mistake because you are a replica of him. I am sorry. 

I am amazed at how instinctive you are. How you have worked hard for your food. Getting mummy’s milk factory going. 

You’ve had a rough 24 hours under the lights - to reduce your jaundice levels. And now you’re all okay. I am so proud of you. 

I had to chuckle when you tried to move the eye masks protecting you from the LED lights. You already know what you want and what you don’t want.

You listen. And are observant. You’re not even 5 days old yet.

I love you and will always be here for you. I hope to be a good parent (not perfect) and to help guide you through life’s ups and downs. 

Your brother adores you. He was so excited to meet you. He cuddles and kisses you everytime he sees you. It hasn’t been much since we’ve been in the hospital. But soon, he’ll be able to shower you with boundless love.

Your dad beams when he sees you. There is love like none other.

And you are already loved and cared by so many.

Welcome my little man, we’re so happy you’re here.

Through the good and bad

I haven't had much of a chance to reflect on my growing family. We're expecting in November and there isn't a day that goes past that we're not occupied with or doing something. 

As much as the effects of Covid have been awful, there is certainly a silver lining. It was the first night Xav didn't co-sleep with me. And we're trialling potty training, captain underpants and all. I've rested more than I ever have in the last... forever long. 

It is nice to take some time out. Which is ironic considering the both of us aren't working. I guess we've just been filling our time with activities so we don't feel like we're not being productive. 

Now, about the baby. We're in our 7th month and he has been growing well. In fact, he is a big baby. Big for my body. It is a struggle to breathe and I definitely struggled not to worry or stress especially with Covid. But I'm glad the worst is behind us now. 

I love being pregnant. I love knowing that there is life growing inside of me. And I love watching him grow. I can't believe how much he has grown actually. And how he has evolved in the last 7 months. It's an incredible feeling. Feels really full. My tummy feels like a watermelon. And looks like one too. 

I cannot wait to meet this little guy. And hopefully this time around, I'll be a little more chilled. 

Xavier has been amazing. He has been very helpful with getting things (I'm trying to train him for when baby comes). And yes, he has his moments but I wouldn't trade them as I guess it builds his character. 

This 3 year old is capable of handling big emotions. Like when he sees one of us get upset, he'll give it time. And then he'll check in on us to see if we're okay. And he'll ask a direct question like "Are you angry?". It's so interesting to see that he can tell differences in emotions. He does ask to make sure that he has sensed it right. 

And the mannerisms that he has picked up from us. It's impeccable. I just wonder what lies ahead of him when he already has built up so much knowledge in such a short amount of time. His talent is varied. 

He plays basketball, soccer and is very quick to pick up new skills and challenge himself like tricks on the trampoline. He is able to pause and figure out a different way of doing things if he isn't able to get it the right the first few times. He started putting together a puzzle today and playing with a magnetic toy. He speaks very well and is able to hold a conversation with kids his age and with adults. 

He loves monster trucks and remembers them by name. And the names of the drivers too. He enjoys good fashion and observes when things are fancy. Like when his cousins were checked into Crown Towers, he noticed it on facetime and mentioned that he liked their cool new house. He likes fancy things. 

He also has a great memory and can sing along to songs after hearing them a few times. He is obsessed with Michael Jackson at the moment and for some reason, is intrigued by spooky stuff. Like ghostbusters, halloween, zombies and all. 

Xav remembers moments and can recall them very well. In fact, a bit too well that when it comes to remembering the not-so-nice moments, it breaks my heart just a little to hear it from his perspective. He hates losing but I have noticed that it is common for 3 year olds to "want to be first" and "to win". 

He does have some pretty big emotions and needs time to ride them out. He is super active even when he's unwell. Nothing really stops him although he does slow down now and again. Especially when there is screen time. 

He enjoys brocolli. And an assortment of veggies. He started liking red meat. And isn't averse to a drink of apple juice mixed with water. 

He cannot wait for baby to come. Speaks to him pretty much everyday. 

He loves cuddles with his mummy. And daddy. I love it when he wakes up in the middle of the night [ever so briefly] to ask for a cuddle. Then he falls back to sleep. 

I love how his little mind works. And how brave and loving he is. 

I only wish for the very best for him and that... we're doing what's best for him. 

I feel really blessed to have spend the last 9 full months with him. 

Here's to reminiscing. 

Amused

Here I am, working on the finishing touches of my 5,000 word essay when I heard a little voice calling out for me. Mama, he says from outside the door. Then I see the twisting of the door knob and then a very happy-faced 3 year old. 

He says something about the giraffe toy that he is holding in his hand and asks me to help put him to bed. I chuckle as he tells me to be quiet as we walk down the hallway together because "daddy has fallen asleep". 

It was then when I realised that he had walk down a hallway that had no lights on. This kid is brave. And smart! How did he figure out I was in the study room?  

Anyway, that gave me the motivation I needed to finish my paper. Regardless of how I was feeling about it (apprehensive, nervous and stressed), I was so content knowing I had my little one. He knows how to cheer me up when I least expect him to. 

The workings of a two year old

I am so grateful to have Xav in my life. Hubs and I have been going through a rough patch and as we figure out ways to better communicate with each other, the little one is just blowing me away with his ability to comprehend and empathise.

Today, he placed his hand on my shoulder and asked me if I was okay. He then leaned in to give me cuddles. Later on, he did the same checking in on me and asked me to sit with him (to take time out). I needed it.

This kid does not take emotions to heart and is able to move on and focus on other things. Which I’m so proud and relieved by. In fact, I’m learning from him.

When his favourite monster truck broke, he approached it with curiosity. He observed that a part has broken off. And he later found the part. To which he then said “it’s okay, it’ll get better”. 

I love his ability to not soak in sorrow and see the possibilities. This is also the same kid who passed me water and said that I’d feel better after drinking some of it. 

It’s funny the things that he has picked up from us. The little things that matter. 

He has been testing the waters with pushing boundaries. And throws the biggest tantrums when he does not get things his way. EG: screentime which is always on his agenda. It’s easy to give in but we make a real effort not to. And focus on play. 

It is coming through in the way he imagines with his toys. I actually enjoy playtime. Hearing all the things that he thinks of. And the expressions he makes. I just love this little munchkin. 

Some memorable sayings:

“Yes, I think that’s a great idea”

“Holey moley!”

“I need the monster mutt monster truck” and his response to how he was going to find money - “sell ice from the ice machine”

“Mummy, you look pretty”

“Do I look fancy? I look fancy!”

*claps hands* “You sing great”

*pinches my cheeks* “Chunky”

“Are you happy?”

“Are you angry?”

“I’ve got nothing to eat. I’m so hungry. I want candy”

*smells my breath* “Is that chocolate? Open your mouth!”

This kid is so animated too when he calls out the names of his monster trucks. Like he is an announcer on TV. It cracks me up.

We’re so blessed.

The Choo Chronicles - Part 1 of many

I have got it good being a mum in this era. 

I learned a few nights ago that my "Ah Ma" [grandmother from my dad's side] actually had 9 children. Our family was so poor then that they could not afford to buy food to feed all of the family. My grandfather passed away from TB when my dad was 11 years old. Again, something I didn't know about until my sister shared the story. So it was down to Ah Ma to fend for the family. Cue WW2 and its impact. These were very hard times. 

I have always thought that I had 7 Aunties and Uncles. 

Ah Ma had to give away two of her daughters to the convent to keep them alive. And as soon as she was able to take them back, she went to the convent asking for her daughters but they refused to give them back to her. Knowing what I know about the Catholic schools in North America, I question whether the same was experienced in Malaysia... given my second Uncle's experience. 

After my grandfather's passing, a priest came to the house and asked Ah Ma "How can you afford to look after the family?" The priest said he'd take in a child and send them to school. The kids were lined up in front of him. He said, no girls. Then he chose my dad who was the oldest of the family. Ah Ma said that she needed him to work and support the family. So she gave my second Uncle (the second oldest son) who was 9 at the time. He felt so sad and remarked to Ah Ma "don't you want me anymore?"

There was a strict rule in the school that everyone needed to attend church on Sundays otherwise they'd get caned at least 6 times. My second Uncle was trying to support the family by working Saturdays and Sundays [when school was out]. He'd get caned the following Monday for doing so. Every. Single. Monday. For a whole year! He said the priest did not care what the reasons were for skipping church. So he took the caning. Well, most of it. 

Choo Kuang is my grandfather's name. I have just learned this. And the priest and nuns would confuse my second Uncle with my grandfather's name. On one occasion, they called out my grandfather's name for the caning. His name sounded very similar to one of my second Uncle's classmates name. My second Uncle turned to the boy "Hey, they're calling out your name". So this boy, who could not refute the orders of the nuns, went up and was caned.  

My second Uncle laughed as he recalled this at Ah Ma's wake in 2019. It was as if time had not passed when he shared the story since he remembered it so vividly. 

My dad has hardly shared any of this childhood stories. My second Auntie said it is too hard to recall these stories as they're so traumatic. But they relived it in Ah Ma's funeral. They meant so much to her.   

Perth to Singapore

For anyone who is looking to travel from Perth to Singapore, here's the lowdown with tips for families and fellow thrifty travellers: 

Step 1 - Vaccinated Travel Pass

Apply for the VT pass once you have an idea of when you would like to travel. When we had to change our flight dates, we made a second application and it was approved almost instantaneously. The pass also gives you a leeway with your selected dates of an additional 6 days. EG: If you apply for travel to Singapore on 4 February, the pass will allow for travel up until 10 February. 

Step 2 - Covid-19 Travel Insurance

There is a limited number of insurance companies willing to offer Covid-19 coverage. I adorned my procurement hat on and researched a number of insurance companies [yes, I read through each and every Product Disclosure Statement] with the help of Product Review before deciding to go ahead with Medibank Travel Insurance. It is slightly more expensive than others but with the unlimited Covid-19/medical coverage, it gives me peace of mind. Also, I have been a customer for years now and claims have always been a very smooth, coordinated process. 

The travel insurance purchase was made prior to flights to ensure we had coverage for any flight cancellations. 

Step 3 - Flights

There are a few carriers that have vaccinated travel lane flights from Perth to Singapore. We travelled with Singapore Airlines and intentionally chose the 6am flight so we could land at a reasonable hour to work through the post pandemic process for international arrivals. I was very nervous about the PCR testing for Xav [Mr 2 years and 5 months] and thought it was better that it happened in the afternoon rather than late in the evening. We do not operate well when we are tired. 

To save on the cost of flights, I applied for the American Express Explorer Credit Card. At the time, it offered 240,000 points when a spend of $3,000 was made in the first 3 months. This equates to 120,000 Kris Flyer points which would get the three of us return economy or one-way business class flights to Singapore. Unlike other rewards credit card companies, the 240,000 points hit our account once the spend was made (rather than at the end of the 3 month period) which worked perfectly timing wise for flight bookings. The annual fee was $395 but that is offset by the $400 travel credit which we used towards a two night's stay in Sentosa. Highly recommend checking Point Hacks or Finder for a credit card that will offer the best frequent flyer points for travel. 

Step 4 - Set up your travel on the Safe Travel Concierge

The Safe Travel Concierge sets out a checklist of requirements for travel to Singapore including pre-departure Covid-19 tests, Covid-19 travel insurance, Singapore arrival card and Trace Together app (similar to Service WA app but you check in and check out at each location) 

Monnie Kondo

If you, like me, have a penchant for being organised... keep on reading: 

1. Print out documents double sided and where possible, have 2 to 4 pages printed on a page as it gets quite bulky with the numerous documents that you have to print. 

2. Get a travel wallet that can fit folded documents. And label them. 

3. Over the top momma - If you are travelling with a toddler who still has a baby photo in their passport [thanks pandemic], worry not as long as the passport is still valid. Long story short, I wanted to update Xav's passport photo and went through an extremely lengthy process to find out that it was unnecessary. There was also an extended wait time on new passports and I was not going to fork out >$200 for priority processing.

4. PCR testing - This is a continued worry for me as we will be travelling to Malaysia. As Xav had a surgery done in December, I reached out to the ENT specialist to provide a letter for travel which informed whoever was going to perform the PCR testing of the surgery. There is no checklist for things like these but the letter came in handy for our arrival in Singapore as the person who performed the PCR testing took extra caution with Xav. He still fought it like a tooth was being removed. 

5. Leverage candies - I deliberately purchased lollipops and jelly bellies as leverage for our travel. I did forget the jelly bellies in the pantry [which I still regret to this day - it is such good leverage as he takes his time analysing them, transferring them for the little pack to his hands and then chewing them with delight] but thankfully, had the lollipops in my handbag and also, Xav's travel bag. I had one ready to go when Xav had to do his PCR testing. He calmed down right away after his test as he was distracted by the lolly. We have also used it as leverage candy for tantrum-city.

6. Stroller - We have the Recaro Easylife Stroller which can be collapsed and opened in one smooth movement/action. When I had to transfer Xav from the stroller to the taxi today [he was screaming at the top of his lungs and fighting getting into the cab as he was actually asleep in his stroller], I was able to carry him in one hand and collapse the stroller with the other. It is also lightweight and can fit into small cars. Did I mention it also reclines back so when Xav falls asleep, I can recline it back. It also offers a pretty good coverage and has a carry basket. It is the best $50 purchase that I have made off marketplace. I negotiated it from $60 not realising how amazing this stroller was. 

All in all 

Our travel was heavily dependent on planning and preparation which we started months before we set foot into the country. It was also important because we had a toddler in tow so any delay in process meant he had to be in his stroller for longer. And I was so wary that there were a lot of new requirements related to Covid-19 that I did not want us to be surprise with. It has all been well worth it and the travel / time spent with family has been so good for the soul. 

R.E.S.P.E.C.T

Has it been over two years since I last blogged? This child has certainly taken a lot more of me than I imagined. 

Every time I look at him, I can't help but let him know how much I love him. I can't imagine a world without him and in the first 3 months, he was all I could care about. Although I think there may have been some post-natal hormones that influenced my tunnel vision. 

It was tough. I didn't feel like I had the opportunity or frame of mind to connect with Xav until day 3. Within hours of holding him, I was told by the midwife what I should not be doing. I was surrounded by the love and warmth of my family but all I wanted was space. Gene and I were up at mad hours trying to put this baby to sleep but after a few minutes of calm, he'd be rudely awoken by the air around him [poor guy had breathing problems from day dot] and cry at the top of his lungs. 

I cried all night feeling like a bad mum when he had jaundice. I was broken and disappointed with myself. The feelings of helplessness continued and I pushed even harder to do what I thought I needed to. To know how to soothe my baby.

In truth, I am still learning. It has gotten easier. Now I know that sometimes he just needs a good cry. Like how we all need a good cry when something just does not feel right and we cannot express what it is. 

I remember someone saying that it is not the child that is getting better. It is us [parentals] being more knowledgeable and coping better. Oh boy, the word “coping” is an understatement for some days/weeks.

I am back. And I have been journalling to help me with sleep. Otherwise thoughts come rushing in - in the middle of the night. My amygdala is pretty persistent in making sure that I undo all the thought knots. It can go on for hours. And I’m relieved that words spilled onto a physical page help wind down the 3am mind unpacking. Most times. 

I have been a part of a transformational organisational journey. One that I am most proud of. And one that also pains me the most. I am hopeful as I believe that there are good people out there. And people who are ready to make that step change. Gratitude fills my heart and right now, I am loving the time off and away with my family. 

[Edit] This kid is still my numero uno. Sorry bee. 

xoxo

Five more sleeps till I get to see you, bubs.

Feels like forever and I can hardly wait.

I cannot wait to hold you in my arms, give you endless cuddles and kisses and just admire you.

I dreamt about you. Long before I knew I was going to have you.

Dad and I are so nervous. And excited. Eeks!

Keep dancing bubba, keep dancing.

Cinta

I am definitely one of those people who walks away from a movie, still living in it.

Surprisingly the movie that is still playing in my head is "A Star is Born". Who would have thought that I would have watched it.

But I did.

And it certainly pulled a few heart strings for me.

I loved the show of love. The sacrifices that one makes. The emotions that come with it. The changes that one experiences.

The way that Jack is astounded by Ally and has so much faith in her that he supports her in ways unimaginable. Even in his haziness, he will still put her first.

It reminded me of Gene.

It can be infuriating at times. This thing called a marriage. But just like in the movie, there are just ordinary moments of conversation. Smiles across the room. And there are also powerful moments when you know that the person next to you believes wholeheartedly in you. Admires you for all that you are. Praises you. Finds you beautiful. And tells you that.

I came out from the movie having such an appreciation for Gene. I miss him already.

I love watching him when he talks. Admiring his features. Listening to his take on things. I may not necessarily always agree with him but I do listen. I love that he is present with me. Comforts me with his hugs. Lets me give him super hugs. My body literally aches if I do not get to reach out to him.

We talk on a daily. Sometimes we do run out of things to talk about. He mentioned this once and we actually hung up the phone not long after because of the extended silence. I am strange in the way that I take comfort in silence and not realise that it is perhaps not normal to just be in the company of someone. And to be in conversation.

3 weeks and counting until we meet Baby Xav...

Our little miracle

This is my dedication to you, Xav.

It is as if you know that I am about to write this and you are making these subtle movements to let me know that you know.

I feel blessed to have you.

Every moment with you is magical.

I would not trade this feeling for anything else in the world. I have always taken comfort that I am always in good company.

With you, it is different. How could it not be? You have grown inch by inch in me. From a peanut to the size of a cauliflower.

You are a part of me. And a part of your father. And I want to celebrate all of you.

For once I can say I am not alone. I did not know in the first month. But since then, it has been such a joyful journey of discovery.

Daddy and I have so much love for you. You melt our hearts and you will always be our number one.

We cannot wait to meet you in 3 month's time.

Love you Xav...