Right now

I feel sorely upset.

I went for my MRI scan today not expecting to go through one of those scanning things like in the movie the exorcist. I was scared. And just as I was being "slided" into the scanner, I hoped really hard that I did not suddenly develop a phobia for tight spaces. Thankfully I was okay.

But I felt alone. Lying there with this mask like cover hovering above my face. Hearing these loud noises from the scanner. It was unsettling.

What made it worse was that I lying there without my bra on in this patient outfit. I felt so uncomfortable. Even to the point of embarrassment. It did not help that the guy who gave me my injections was a young asian radiologist.

Did I mention that I have a fear of injections? He has to jab me twice because my right arm was not doing what it was supposed to. So he spent some time trying to massage my left arm/hand to get the blood circulation.

I was not expecting to get a massage today. And this is not how I pictured it either.

And then the questions and self criticism came back to mind as I was back in the scanner. What if it is a tumor? I brought this on myself. There is nothing I can do about it. What if I had no money?

I had to cancel my weekend trip plans up North today. The MRI certainly lifted a good weight off my invisible purse.

I have also shortened my trip o the States to three weeks.

I feel like nothing is going according to plan. For the first time in a long time, I feel distant and empty. I feel like I have not done enough. And I feel that I do not deserve any pity or help because this is nothing compared to the worries of the world.

I am but a feeble mind today.

Tomorrow will be better.

And then I can go back to helping others. And doing some serious research.

I want to be happy again.

I will be okay.

I am okay. Seriously. It must be the weather.