Freedom to be

There are two things that I have done this Christmas that I do not normally do. Now that I think about it, the other thing is more of a feeling than a thing.

My language of love is by giving gifts. I love purchasing meaningful gifts for people. And choosing a greeting card that really fits the person. Maybe because they are so expensive [in my books] and I always want to make my money's worth.

This year, we decided not to give any gifts to both ourselves, family and friends. Christmas came way too soon and our days were already busy. The last thing we wanted was to fill our last hours up with shopping among crowds and crowds of people who were frantically doing the same.

So no presents.

Although, Gene confessed that he got me a gift a few weeks ago so I did the same. And we bought gifts for the kids and our neighbours. And Ralphie. But aside from that, it was a no presents Christmas which was a real treat as we got to focus on spending time with people we cared about.

The other thing... it was not by choice. But it was different. I did not feel Christmas this year. We were at midnight mass. I was falling asleep. And when we got home, I was wide awake. I mean, I really enjoyed spending time with the family and also, with my bestie. But it just did not feel like Christmas. I cannot seem to put my finger on why. Not even with Christmas music playing in the background.

Then I became worried. I always mark my years. No matter what, I can feel it coming to a conclusion and I guess Christmas initiates this transition. It is a gentle platform for the year that is to come.

In saying that, we reflected on the year that passed before we went to bed last night. So much has happened this year. Both good and bad. We got married, went on an amazing honeymoon which in itself had its ups and downs, had a few changes done to the house, went on a splurge at a furniture store, travelled even more and spent time with our families overseas.

Mental health became a real focus for me this year.

People continue to come in and out of our lives but one thing I notice more and more. It is that people are showing me love in many different ways and I feel so honoured. Two of my workmates, on separate occasions, gave me a cupcake. I felt so proud receiving such things because there were only so many cupcakes to go around.

And people coming by my desk to wish me well for the festive season. That meant a lot to me. One of my workmates even wanted to nominate me for an award and I was just so amazed. She thought me worthy of an award? What a real recognition.

I must admit, it really warms my heart when I receive such acknowledgement. It means that I must be doing something right. I must be making a difference, even if it is small. And maybe, it also means that I matter.

Now this is getting a little bit deep right here.

I am nervous about the year to come. I hope it will finally dawn upon me that the year is ending. And that we will be stepping into 2017. I mean, 2019! This is how far behind I am. It is cruel when they say that time zooms past after you turn 25. It tornadoes after the age of 30 and you start forgetting what age you are meant to be.

I have always had this fear of losing my memory. There are a lot of things that I do, that I do not have to consciously think about. Typing in my passwords. Entering my credit card pin on the eftpos machine. Remembering all the checklists in my head. Typing. Locking the door.

All these little things that I take for granted until I forget them. There are times where I will sit there and struggle to remember my customer pin for my online banking. Or my friend's name when I am about to introduce them. It is really horrible. I get glimpses into memory loss and it scares the life out of me.

And maybe that is the reason why I write down lists when I wake up on a Saturday morning. That is the day when I know my body is inclined to do chores and get things done. Because come Sunday, it is a slumber party in my head.

The reassurance that I will do all the things that I set out to do... it feels good.

[insert hashtag for control freak here]

I feel somewhat better now that I have had the chance to reflect on my thoughts. It is always therapeutic "writing" things down.

To the many belief systems that people hold dear to their hearts, may it get us through the twenty nineteen. It is going to be big!