It is yours, keep it

How do you deal with a past that is not yours? How does one manage to accept things for what they are and move on? 

I admit. I have changed. I have allowed myself to become someone that I have always frowned upon. And while it is comfortable being the new me right now, it makes me question why I have held on to the old me for so long. For so many years.

Looking back at the photos of me yesterday, I realised that I was never alone. I always had a good group of friends who were there for me as I was for them. We would hang out for hours. Sit in silence watching movies. Go out for dinners. Go for random walks by the foreshore. Dance. Sit by the river eating fish and chips in our bathers. 

A collage of memories with friends from all walks of life. And with him being away, I realise how little I do that now. How I have not blogged in so long. How I have chosen to spend time with him. I do not even recall the last time I walked along the river by myself. 

But then I look back again. This is no different than the way I have been with my friends. Yes, I have a wide variety of friends. You could almost say that it is a colourful array and with each, I have spent quality time with. With each, I would spend days on end with. Talk on the phone for hours. Go out clubbing week after week because we could. Because we were in the same phase in life. Because we could relate. Same boat and all. 

But as time goes on, you start to realise that these paths of "togetherness" do not go on forever. That while your relationship will always stay strong, gradually over time, you will do less of these things together. You will see less of each other. And with some, you will no longer live in the same place or country. 

All that is left is memories. Your memories. Their memories. Photos of memories...

...as you make new ones. 

I am struggling. Struggling to see past the past. I am upset. Angry. But more than anything, I am afraid. Afraid of losing. It is childlike of me to think so but I do not want things to change. I want my friends. I want my family. I want him in my life. 

My emotions have been so hard to handle as of late. Sometimes I am happy. Sometimes I am so upset that I do not know what to do. Sometimes I want to cry. Sometimes I fear that this is just the calm before the storm. 

I wish I did not think so much. I wish I could just let things be. I wish I did not care. 

But these are the sparks of life, are they not? Lest it be lit, how can it fire through and sweep us off our feet? 

As I take a sip from a glass of [cheap] red wine, I am transposed back in time. Sitting at Red Cray. At different points in time, I have sat there with different people. For birthdays, catch ups, reunions. 

Farells. The place that Dave asked me to be his girlfriend. The same night I accidentally sprayed perfume in my eye. 

Sitting in Gemma's house. Snuggling up in her quilts. She had so many quilts given to her by her previous housemates. We would sit in her house and do all. And do absolutely nothing. 

Dancing and drinking in South Perth with Eunice. With Kel. With Kong. Those were mad days. 

Smiling to Kay as we stood by the stage at the Deen. Laughing because uni exams were over and we were out at the clubs not too long before that night. 

Standing at Black Bettys with a group of people I had met earlier at the Tav. Having caught a ride with them and doing imaginary wings as we drove into the city. 

Taking a break in the back of Bobbie's house. Just sitting there. 

I am blessed. Blessed to have met so many people at different stages of my life. Blessed to have had such experiences. 

Now I feel I can properly move on. Now that I have  allowed myself to say what I have been feeling. Now that I have acknowledged my fears. My loves. 

Do we prevent heartache or do we embrace love? 

I know which path I have always chosen but at least now I know why I have chosen them. Because it makes me who I am. Each path has defined me. Has taught me the beauty of difference. Has build me. Helped me grow and appreciate the flows on from heartache and pain. 

And we know better now.

Let's be true to ourselves and say what we really feel. 

Here's to hurricanes of change.