Safe

Ever get that feeling that bothers you so badly that it affects everything that you do? 

It is the one that sits heavily on your chest. Almost like a virus that grew overnight. It is made up of a thought. One that is held tightly against you. By yourself. 

I do not enjoy those mornings. 

When I wake up and I feel like I have done something wrong. This usually stems from doing something different or something out of the norm. It could be something that someone said. Something that you did that you were not happy with. 

And it is a hard feeling to shrug off.

I can soak [drown] in it for hours. I start questioning my motives. My ability to care. My values. What is important to me. 

It is a painful process to go through. At times I cry. Other times, I get cranky and upset. Most times I just let that train of thought charter its way into the looming tracks of miserableness and self destruction. It is irrational. And disregards any form of compassion. 

I am afraid I do not have a remedy for it at this hour. For my "mistake" was to disregard my friend's answer to a question at a games night. Instead, I went full speed ahead charging through with my answer. At which, we lost the round.

Something so small and what would seem insignificant bothered me greatly. I feel like I should have given her answer more consideration. How many times in my life have I failed to do that because of my overconfidence in a matter? Truth be told, it takes a lot for me to stand up for what I believe for. However, it was in my oversight that I may have been just a bit too overpowering. Which is not a favourable trait of mine because I start to get very emotional. 

In saying that, I need to allow myself to speak out and be wrong. And be okay with it. To state thoughts that differ from others. To give myself the opportunity to clarify. To right a wrong. Or what would appear to be a wrong.

I have noticed that it is when I am in my most comfortable state, when I am with people that I am close to or have allowed myself to be more relaxed with, that I am most vulnerable. That is when I have let all my guards down and allow the flow of words to come out from my mouth like a thunderous lightning. I shock myself sometimes.

But it is nice when people just accept you for who you are. When they know you so well and understand where you come from. When they know why you do the things that you do. And they do not assume but rather, ask you.

I need a cap of reality to challenge myself. To appreciate those who question. Those who care enough to voice their opposing opinion. To give myself a chance to harbour feelings of understanding and compassion for myself when I am least likely to. 

It is good to write again.