Mum Guilt

I’ve been experiencing serious breastfeeding guilt. When Elijah was born, I thought I’d give breastfeeding a go. And it went really well this time with the milk coming in sooner that it did with Xav. 

But my mental health started dwindling as I was barely getting any sleep with the cluster feeds which were necessary to get the milk in. So well done Elijah! But he was also a hungry baby because the milk was not established yet. We’re talking days after birth so it’s only normal. 

Then jaundice became an issue and it was vital that he had the right amount of milk intake. Cue introduction of formula and the end of my breastfeeding journey as E realised the convenience of the bottle versus the breast. 

I was on the verge of stopping breastfeeding as I was simply not myself but I wasn’t prepared for it to end so soon. So I started to express. This went well but the engorgement and having to wake up through the night to express was tough. 

Especially when I wanted to be there for both kids which is tough when I’m tired. And cranky. Not to mention hormonal. And still recovering from the birth. 

The engorgement stopped two days ago but I can’t help grieving. And now I’m feeling the guilt. Maybe I should have tried harder. Other mums can do it even with their 3 year olds, I should too. 

I need to remind myself that fed is best. My newborn is growing well. He is developing well too in his second week. Hubby feels a sense of purpose as he can help. I get to spend time with my 3 year old and don’t feel stuck trying to breastfeed baby. 

I can exercise self care and enjoy my food a bit more. And be happy. 

Logically, lots of positives. Emotionally, I am still on the fence about my decision. Or indecision as it feels like right now. 

I will get through this. Somehow.