Questioning human nature

"Are you the only one with a formed opinion?"

I have been battling with a painful disorder as of late... called the "short fuse" condition. 

And it only happens with the people that I am meant to care the most about. Which means that Gene has had to put up with a fair bit in the past couple of weeks. 

I would snap at anything. A comment. A differing opinion. An uneasy feeling. Anything that does not quite agree with me. To the point of nitpicking at everything that he says or does. 

Vicious words burst out of me and the frustration that comes with it is unyielding. I can only be filled with regret after.

He admits that he finds it hard to understand why I react the way I do. I do not blame him. After yet another episode, he gave it some time before coming to me to talk about it. 

I have been spending a lot of hours at home lately. Having always been a free bird whose diary never ceases to be occupied with activities, I find myself [finally] enjoying time on my own. Although admittedly it worries me slightly. That one day, I will look back and be upset over my inaction.

It is silly, is it not? When I am content with quiet weekends and the likes, I find myself questioning whether this is the calm before the storm. Whether this is really my nature. Whether this is why I get so cranky. From not having had an avenue to express myself or rid myself of energy. Be it through conversation, dance or the exuberance of outdoor activities. 

It does not help that I pressure myself to have answers all the time. To have to be right. And I think that is probably the reason for most of my frustrations. When I have got my mind set and expect a certain response to it.

I need to be more accepting of opinions other than my own. To not be critical or cynical at first approach. To be okay with being told to do something that I was going to do. To not have to prove myself all the time. 

One can only recognise one's failings and better themselves with time. 

I thank the Lord for Gene's help and understanding. And my brothers' too.

Here's to the ones who care no matter what.