Early September

Hi, I am Monica. I am 28 years old and I am trying to work out how to stop stress affecting my life.

I think a lot. I analyse. I, thank the Lord, speak my mind too. I have changed a lot over the years. I no longer stand behind a shadow of fear but I still doubt.

I replay conversations in my head. I then become resolute in gauging better conversations. In handling situations better.

By nature, I do not brace for the worst. Nor am I ill intent in my actions.

I was caught in a line of fire. I did what I could to explain, clarify and aid but it started giving me a headache. Literally.

I was doing so much trying to "prioritise" [aka. meet everyone else's priorities] that I became physically ill. And I have been trying to nurse my headache and temperature in the past 7 hours.

Something has got to give.

I was down with a virus last Wednesday and I was so ill that it took me 6 days to recover. In the first 2 days, I could not switch off work. I was delirious. I just kept thinking about projects. About deadlines. About the cost of not being at work.

I was worried more than anything that I was at home and not at work. I made such an effort to justify my illness.

I think so highly of work that I forget myself and my own self worth. I know it is okay to put myself and my health first but it is so hard to put it in practice.

I contemplated meditation. The ability to balloon out thoughts. Then I thought I needed a new job. But in the end, fatigue took over. My body was aching, my temperature was so high that I started getting rashes, my nose refused to cooperate and I struggled with breathing. I slept and slept and slept.

Going back to work, I told myself repeatedly to take it easy. But when faced with deadlines and the need to prove myself, I dove in.

It is 11.17pm and I am still trying to wind down. To put it all to bed.

Again, something has got to give.

Are my values all muddled up? Have I lost the whole purpose of working? How do I switch off?

I must admit. I work hard because I want to be of value to the company. To not be part of the redundant head count. Yet, if it is affecting me so badly that I am physically getting ill, there has got to be something that needs to change.

Be it the way I approach a difficult situation. The level of emotion that I put into what I do. The ability to view the bigger picture.

Why do I want this?

I suppose the answers will reveal themselves in good time.