96 hours

When it feels right...

I burst into tears the other day. It was the first time in my life I was filled with so much pride. After days of reflection, I realised that I was proud of my siblings. I was proud of their accomplishments. And it felt like a weigh was lifted off my shoulders.

I guess I never realised how much responsibility I took upon myself for their well-being. For their safety. For their success in life. In achieving their goals, dreams and aspirations.

I am good enough.

I have always apologised for my actions. I have always doubted my decisions. And I have always been very defensive for my ways/behaviours. But now, I realise that I am good enough.

It isn't, unfortunately, like this bright and shinning moment which will last me for an eternity.

But I know that I will be better.

It has taken me time but I feel like I am living in my body now. I was at Ed Sheeran's concert last night and I was there. Physically and mentally there. Perhaps not 100%. Some things seem so surreal to me but at least the music corresponded with the actions in front of me.

Sometimes we get so carried away with our thoughts that we are not in the moment. I felt that the last 28 years have been a journey to being. Now in my 29th and coming 30th year, I am finally in the present.

I can even feel the texture of Gene's fingers when he reaches out to hold my hand. I smile when he kisses me on my cheeks. And I feel like a lady when he puts his hand around my waist. And I stay there, even if the position gets slightly uncomfortable, because it is where I want to be.

Truth is, life has its moments and there are days when we will give in. But as we do, we build a net of resilience around us to strengthen us and help us deal with things our way. If we believe that we can, our bodies and subconscious will move towards making this happen.

I am turning 30 in 4 days time. Do I want to cry about it? Yes. It is a big age. But I will embrace this new age of mine. I will step into my 30 year old shoes and enjoy growing in it.

At the wonderful age of 29, I have learned to really appreciate my family and friends. I have learned that work will always be there. I can travel when and wherever I want to go. I am in love with a man who cares for me and treats me better than I treat myself.

And then there are Gene's parents who call me their "future daughter in law".

[insert smile face here]