It is like an uphill battle with no road map or companion. There is a part of me that believes that I can make it through. A bigger part of me is pushing myself forward and reassuring me that I am doing okay aka. the right thing. Then there is the horrible and cowardly part of me that is telling me to stop. To hit the backspace button. To bury my head in the sand. To retreat.
I find it very hard to be agreeable these days. I feel that I always seem to have an opinion and one that is not supportive. Or rather, one that does not come across as supportive. Almost to the point of being defensive.
Okay, I will call it for what it is.
It is defensive.
And I am struggling. Mainly because I end up agreeing with the other. Or coming to terms with the other before forming a further opinion, one that I feel is more agreeable. I question whether I should hold back my real but raw thoughts and just say yes. Just do what I will end up doing anyway.
I try to not care but deep down, I care so much. In fact, I care that much that I get defensive. Even if I am agreeing with the other.
I am afraid of the thought of having a baby. I feel like I should be feeling otherwise. But I am not. I hear that you know when you know. But I don't think that will happen to me. Nor do I want it to. I almost want it to happen accidentally so I do not fall into social conventions. So I do not feel like I am doing it to be a part of this cycle to gain acceptance by society.
I do not think I will handle it well. Look at me. I still linger on to negative feelings. I want to be right all the time. I do not listen to conversations in their entirety. I have yet to master the ability of being in the here and now. I cannot even say that I am living my life passions. I am not making that change in the world. And I cannot control my own emotions. I get so angry sometimes. So terrible angry that I... I literally go crazy.
I feel like a burden rather than a joy to be with.
How can I possibly bring another life into this world when I am so undeserving of it? I am so dissatisfied with myself. I try and try and try... [insert BIG sigh here] and I will continue to try. I just need to get over this hump of a life right now. Get myself right. Give myself a chance to reorganise my thoughts. Take time to realise each big step that I make is a big one.
I have been trying to be a better listener. And communicator. I have been trying to pick up behaviours that I have observed and feel will be good for me to become more efficient and effective. I am learning to accept negativity for what it is. To figure out what it means to me and what I should do with it. Rather than harness a hat of positivity, which in the past, I thought was the thing to do. I feel like it dismisses the feeling or reality for what it is. Tho it is equally important not to ruminate on it. And I feel like I ruminate less these days because I am cautious of my past rumination habits.
I am trying to be in the here and now. It has improved. The anger part... that is like the Hulk in me that I have to figure out how to manage and control. I guess I am being impatient with myself. Wanting to be all that I want to be... right now. And I am feeling upset and discontent at being "in-between".
So perhaps that ghastly feeling that I have been burrowing myself into is the discomfort/agitation of being in transition whilst trying to uphold myself aka. not break down as my innermost [age-old] habits are getting a shake up.
Perhaps I should use less harsh words like "defensive". Perhaps I am finally giving in my two cents which are worthy of giving. Because if it is not given, I could potentially leave a gap in the questions of the universe that should and would have been raised... had I not done so.
My brain needs a break. Time to snooze.
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