Last post perhaps

Oh no, she's bloggering again!

Alas... we have reached the last days of the year. I always feel a need to do something compelling, as if to assert my worthiness in the world before another chapter closes. To show for something.

I feel like I have gotten to know myself better in the last 6 months. Not all on my own accord of course.

Social Validation
When I am still in the process of completing a task (which always seems so much bigger and/or complex than it really is - but I would not think so at the time), I feel myself being propelled into an ocean of uncertainty and insecurity. I start worrying about it. Weighing it up against all the other things I have yet to do, need to do. And it occupies my mind without me wanting it to. After planning it out, analysing it, letting it piece together in my head, I then seek the opinion of others. This seems [I say/write "seems" because it may not be necessary but in my mind it is] to be the tipping point. The defining moment of my efforts - when someone validates my thoughts. Or rather, is not averse to them.

Self Validation
This pool of thought, this is where I want to be. I want to reach a point of certainty in my own head. To be comfortable in and amongst the thorny issues that I have... again, in my mind. If you can picture this:

A 30 year old woman is walking along the street. She observes a person sitting on the corner of the street with a cardboard that has writings on it placed in front of him. She continues walking but in her mind, she is wondering if she has any coins in the purse. She quietly takes out her purse and opens the zip compartment. Upon realising some gold coins, she takes it out and walks back to where the man is.

If there hadn't been any coins in her purse, she would have walked off in guilt. Feeling sorry for the person and thinking how hard it must be for him to put himself in a position of vulnerability. Exposing himself to ridicule. To get told to get a real job. To be thought of as socially incompetent.

In and amongst these thoughts is the work that she has to do for the day. She has an important project that has taken high priority with some senior stakeholders at her workplace. Termed with "high visibility", she cannot risk any chance of it falling astray or getting in the mix of her other work.

Then there's the unfinished heated discussion that she had with her partner last night. Her emotions are highly strung but she mustn't show any of this at work. Nor should she let it get the best of her. Yet, it consumes her and she is left feeling unaccomplished and overwhelmed.

She steps into the office and smiles to her colleagues as she greets them. The clock hits 7 am and her work day begins.

End of.

I guess I do not appreciate how much goes through my mind at any one time. It does get hard to live authentically when times are challenging and continue to be so. You do not want to be the person that is constantly going through strife because that just creates discomfort and a cloud over everyone else's heads. So you do what it takes to be "normal". Or that is what I do anyway. I shrug my shoulders, take a deep breath and keep on fighting for the right cause.

So when I say that I have gotten to know myself better, it isn't in any way to say that I have reached a state of "know-it-all". Rather, it is what I have yet to know and have yet to come to grips with.

I do, however, have aspirations for the year ahead.

I want to know how to drive a scooter so I can zip around the neighbourhood and possibly, to tutor university students.

I want to be a tutor.

I want to learn how to swing dance with Gene.

I want to live in a place I call my own. Or ours, to be correct.

I want to reach a state of comfort in my own thoughts and in my physical self.

I want to focus all my charitable contributions to 100 women.

I want to learn as much as I can about Human Rights in the Supply Chain and lead by establishing practicable actions and processes that honour and respect the rights of every worker that deal with my employer.

I want to design t-shirts for fun.

I want to purchase from ethical and sustainable sellers. This includes the chocolate I consume and the clothes that I purchase. This means a lot of research time that I will have to devote to so I need to be conscious of that.

I want to eat foods that suit my body biologically.

And get married in 2017.

Teehee!