You maketh what you knoweth

There are a lot of things that I do not appreciate. Things that have come too "easy" for me.

Sometimes I forget [insert "staring into blank space and thinking" here]

Maybe it's not that I do not recall. But more so that it does not occur to me that maybe it normally does not happen this way.

But things feel so natural to me. Things that happen in my life. It is a sequence of events that do not shock or terrify me until I reflect upon it. Or I catch glimpses from the view of a younger version of myself. Generally, they happen and they are what they are.

I may overthink things but... take for example this house that I am sitting in. It has not come easy but it has not been impossible.

I think I am juxtaposition-ing myself between different experiences. But what I want to be able to convey [from my mind into writing] in essence is that maybe things, from a third person's perspective, is better that what I perceive it to be.

It must be.

I just cannot see it. Sometime it is just too... near.

Like today, today as I was walking over to say goodbye to Gene who was leaving for work... I complimented him on his green shirt and he said it was the Irish side of him and it made me laugh. As I had my arms around his shoulders, his around my waist and I kissed him goodbye, he teased me with a silly irish accent. And perhaps it was one of the very few times that I appreciated our closeness. How comfortable I am with him. How we behave as if we're still getting to know each other. Especially when we are in a disagreement... oh, how we struggle to understand.

But moments like these surprise me when they shouldn't. Or maybe I should be surprised more. Or be humored more by my life as it happens to me.

And to stop being so manic. So calculative. Stop planning my life to the tee and being so uptight. I have enjoyed moments when I have let go and I've seen great outcomes. I should be a bit more like ma who does not think twice and takes risks. And has no regrets.