Tough love

I rarely make posts about work mainly because of the sensitivities around doing so but I feel the need to do so this morning.

This is a good post. One that I did not think I would ever be making. Or rather, one that seemed so unattainable. And one that I have been hoping, wishing and praying for, for so long.

[insert momentary brain search here]

A few months ago, I was meeting with individuals from the Communities department to find out more about what they did but more importantly, how I could be a part of their team. I felt energised leaving these meetings as they aligned closer to what I was looking for in life as a career path.

I have always felt deeply for people whose stories of injustices, lack of rights and suffering were told to me either through conferences I attended from the very people who experienced them, through friends, media and books.

Each one left me feeling extremely upset. And then felt compelled to do something but helpless that I did not have the capacity to do so, aside from monetary contributions.

Not long after these one-on-one conversations, I was given the opportunity to be part of a working group that looked at what we could do to better support the local communities in the regions that we operated in. Both were separate but not coincidental.

I held similar conversations with my line managers but on the prospect of them being my advocates for this new journey that I was keen to embark upon. Little did I know that brewing in the background was a change that I could not have prepared for nor did I see coming. But it was a change in the right direction and one that I had hoped and prayed for.

One that would bridge my skills and knowledge that I have built in the last [close to] nine years with the path of helping someone out, to keep a community sustainable, to make a positive difference. All without even having to leave my own department.

I shake my head at the thought of this all. In reflection, it seems like I would have spend the last few months in reverence, in carefully knitting [living out] this chain work of events into what would be a beautiful story later to be told.

But it was hardly that.

I jumped in head first and trailing behind me were feelings of guilt, of being unsure as to whether I had the right to speak at the table, of whether I was doing the right thing. I had around me people with years of experience. People who could speak from the heart. And from authority.

We were putting together the foundations of a program that would enhance how we operated. And change the conversations that we would have with our suppliers and customers. And within our own team. But it did not change the spirit.

I found that on this new journey, I met people who shared the same spirit. One that showcased itself in many different ways but one that spoke out even through the challenges and disbelief. People were supportive of a change and wanted it so much to happen. But they also saw the problems that lied beneath the intent and the issues that existed, and perhaps will continue to exist.

I drowned at one stage. I was hit with so much negativity and emotion that I could not have felt more helpless. There were no guide books or policies that I could look at. This was unprecedented and in my lowest, I turned to my peers and to management.

They came to my aid. In fact, they came in a fury and immediately gave me the tools and resources to work through my state of confusion and inability to discern between what I needed to do and what I was doing. But more importantly, they did not dismiss me.

At none of these meetings did they ever dismiss me. They may have "clarified" that my points were not areas of focus or necessitated further laboring. But they respected my thoughts as I aired them in their rawness and they supported me when I needed them most.

They looked upon my ideas with a light of importance and made me feel like a real part of the team.

I do not want to forget this. I do not want to ever belittle the privilege that I have been given. As a 32 year old female who speaks with what people would associate with an accent and a person who clearly does not look like a local, I was been given the voice to speak as an individual and as a representative.

[insert silence and a feeling of acceptance here]

As I sat on the stage with my GM, the company MD and CEO on Friday, I did not feel small but empowered. I did not picture chairs in front of me to calm my nerves but on the opportunity to speak to a group of interested businesses whom I know I will later learn more about and hear their stories. And in time, connect them with my company.

You can tell that I take pride in what I do. I know that there are political forces and reasons for the program that I am a part of. But sometimes doing things right is also the right thing to do.

I should feel overwhelmed with joy but I have not been. The last few weeks have been overshadowed by feelings of frustration and fear. I have not operated in the way that I usually would - organised, with a sense of logic and pace. These days, I get into a fiery circle of dismay and participated in whinges. I have even bad-mouthed a fellow colleague.

Where have my manners gone? Where is my integrity?

[insert emotionless gut here]

I always reach out to my gut to express how I feel. It is unfair at times when I need it and it just goes blank on me. Like, as if it is saying, hey... there is nothing to worry about. Or there is nothing further to express because you have not got anything to go on.

I do not admit to having a lot on my plate until it spills over. And I start to behave erratically which seems to be on an almost daily occurrence these days.

Which is why I am writing this post. I have not been myself lately. I guess I have never been posed with such a mammoth of a task. People ask "how do you eat an elephant"? I am like, this is a mammoth. And maybe I should pardon myself a bit. But in doing so I feel like I am excusing myself for my actions.

For a second, I feel liberated. Exhausted from all these thoughts. Yes, I have my moments but perhaps they are larger in my head than what they really are.

It is so common [normal] for us to pick apart our faults but not applaud ourselves [internally] for the gates [and hurdles] that we have meticulously walked and jumped through. In a short period of time, I must admit to myself and allow myself to admit that I have accomplished a lot more than I could have ever imagined.

Yes, it was with the help of others and I am thankful for them. For their patience and understanding. But there is a light and determination that is intrinsic within ourselves that we must recognise and be grateful for. For getting us through.

[insert the start of a sunny Sunday here]